20 Years : R 118102

20140430-140335.jpg

Theres just not enough words in the world to describe this feeling.

I’ve been putting off my words because I wasn’t exactly sure of what to write and what to say. To be honest, I am hardly even sure of how I’m feeling, so instead of saying the exact words, I thought I might try and one-up myself.

Long story short, it’s been 20 years since my Dad passed away.

You can read all about the details on my post about it last year, Happy Birthday : Papa Bear.‘ It’s emotional and sentimental, and means so much to me, but my favourite part is its honesty. It’s raw and it’s real. It’s 100% me.

I guess this year was different. I didn’t make a big scene about it, nor told many people – only a few people were aware and could ever even slightly understand. But that’s ok, I didn’t want to have a fuss made. Typically, the week before the date has a subconscious effect, and I’m a tad emotional and irrational. But again, for some reason, this year was different. I was calm and I was in tune. I think this year, I was finally at peace.

Accepting the tragedy has been an ongoing process, and it raises its head for a deep and meaningful chat from time to time. But now, being in a good space with my businesses, my friendships and my relationship, life is good, I am feeling good and I can’t really complain. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling peaceful? Who knows. I’m well confused.

R 118102. 

It was my dad’s service number in the Royal Australian Navy.

My mum sent me this photo before Christmas when I asked her for his service number, and the writing on the chalk board really spoke to me. Take note of the font and the style, for more than a second.

I decided to have it with me forever. I decided to get my first tattoo.

I’ve never had a tattoo before in my life, nor have I ever stepped into a tatto parlour, so this was a completely new experience for me. I was nervous – but more so for the pain. And to be fair, it was no where near as painful as what I thought it might be. 

I wore a simple pair of white Lee jeans and a cashmere jumper from Skin and Threads. I was completely unsure of my feelings and therefore was completely unsure of my outfit. I had only changed it seven times that day already. It was my messy subconscious being hindered by my inner peace. They were both confused, as was I.

I emailed the photo of my Dad’s certificate to Danny and he printed and replicated the exact writing on the chalk board. Its more than just ink to me. Its perfect with all its imperfections. Its my dad.

Its a little raw and its a little bit messy – qualities I harbour directly from my Dad. But more than that, its not trying to be anything it isn’t. It is pure and raw and I love it.

I guess this self-diagnosed one up for myself was a perfect description. The 21st of April will not be remembered for just his day of death, but a day of my rebirth, with absolute peace in my heart. What a life and a day to remember. Forever, we will be free.

Leave a Comment

Instagram

  • @BioOilAustralia has been there for me from the start - when I was a teenager and I acquired my first lot of stretch marks. And here we are again in full swing with these twinnies to help improve the appearance of those extra marks and make me feel like ‘me’ again. I just apply twice a day, morning and night, and it only takes two minutes, so I get more time with my little mate Carter. Those chubby cheeks get me every time! #BioOilTwiceDaily #Collab #BioOilPartnership
  • My beautiful girl, Kennie Rae 💕 
#CoulthardAndCo
  • It’s fair to say it’s been a mighty big weekend here in the #CoulthardAndCo household... @biozetattack gave me such an incredible (and terrifying!) opportunity to come along on their #BiozetAttackBrigade campaign at @toughmudderaustralia .. oh my goodness!! SO many thoughts about this and surprisingly I didn’t suck (or die!) at it! As you can see, I’m fairly excited about my new laundry additions and I had a blast shooting this campaign in own laundry, which is where I spend most of my life these days.. haha!! Oh the irony. Anyway, I was impressed with the results from my laundry loads (not so much my Tough Mudder injuries - swipe right!) but my crew on the day made it SO much fun! So many more pictures to come this week... there was no escaping that mud! 
PS. Anyone know a great massage place on the coast?? I’m in desperate need over here.. So sore. 😂😜 PPS. Congratulations @fabiancoulthard !! SO proud of you. Winner winner 🍾🏆👌🏼 #FabPack
  • It doesn’t matter if you’re on team blue, or team pink (well, maroon..), you’ll certainly want to be a part of Origin this year! PPQ are giving away a HUGE prize pack for you and FIVE of your friends to get along to the game and support your state, including 6 tickets to Game 3, flights, accom, transfers, jerseys, VIP seats, locker room tour AND you can meet Cam Smith too. Ahh take a breath! Take a look at my stories for extra details or head on over to @PersonalisedPlatesQLD for how to enter and more info. #CoulthardAndCo
  • My FIRST Mother’s Day 💝
How special is today? So magical 💫 
The meaning of this day has changed for me so much this year. Being a mother is so special and such a privilege. ‘WHAT DOES MOTHERHOOD MEAN TO YOU?’ It’s a question I asked in my stories yesterday and I had literally hundreds of replies from so many of you. Thank you for sharing with me your beautiful answers. How lucky am I to share this time with my family, as well as with all of you? If you didn’t already answer, what does it mean to you? I’ve written a BLOG post about it too, and included a little story and some beautiful images of my tribe too. So chuffed to have a day like today to celebrate with you this incredible life purpose and journey. Let’s hear it for our mums! 💝 #CoulthardAndCo
  • So from what feels like a lifetime ago, I used to model. Day in, day out, I would work out, go for a run, eat when ever I wanted (and what ever.. ahh metabolism!), have my make up and hair done, outfits given to me and I would pose from dawn until dusk and have beautiful and effortless photos flooding my inbox on the daily. So yes, a lifetime ago, this would have been a quick two-second snap at the end of my day.. not any more folks! This was done at about 10 at night, I had something on that day and left over make up. All the daily chores were done, kids in bed, dog fed and I thought, ‘I should probably get a photo for once.’ So, here you go, instagram. Here’s my ‘end of day’ EFFORTLESS photo for you. Haha, I am funny... I don’t think I did too bad, do you? 😂 *also, if you watch my stories you’d have noticed I had my brows microbladed last week. Thank you @mimsybeauty I’m in LOVE!! Get to see her girls, you won’t be disappointed 😘🖤 #BeckyLamb #CoulthardAndCo
  • Kennie knows how to make me smile! Now that I’m a Mum, I find my time being consumed more and more by this little cheeky grin and dressing her in the cutest outfits I can find.. but I still need ‘me time’ and I am always after those products that will get this bod looking and feeling its best. @BioOilAustralia gives me the control back and helps improve the appearance of my stretch marks in just two minutes a day. It lets me feel like me again with smooth and soft skin.  #BioOilTwiceDaily #Collab #BioOilPartnership
  • THIS IS NOT A DRILL. It’s actually just a little reindeer named Carter... I’ve given him a cuteness rating of 9.7/10 😂 This little guy is my happy baby, always giggling, looking around and keeping me on my toes. He’s a typical boy - easily distracted, needs constant stimulation and knows how to make his Mama’s heart melt..! Like this.. haha! He was born a little 4’10 and he was such a little fighter from the moment he arrived. Always being smaller than his sister, I think he has a point to prove. We love you little guy, - the biggest, sweetest, curious little character I’ve had the pleasure of meeting 💙 @cartercoulthard #coulthardandco
  • Mackenzie Rae Coulthard. Kennie. Kennie Ken Ken. Little Kennie Wennie. Grumpy Ken. (The last one is my favourite!). I wonder if she knows how loved she really is. Do any of us? Probably not. This little princess was sleeping through well before her brother, and she has only ever woken us up once (Her brother would wake us and we would just feed her at the same time). If you’ve ever wondered what the textbook baby looked like, here she is. Always patient, so observant and only cries when there is a genuine problem. I think she has experienced life before now, she’s been here before. If this was your first and only baby, you’d definitely be going back for more 😂 
I also love dressing her in girly outfits.. this bow is so cute too. Courtesy of @blondesinbows 💕
I’ve been thinking of writing letters to my children.. have you done this? What are your tips to doing so? Are there any sets I can buy to make it easier? 
Also thinking of posting photos of these two on their own accounts.. what do you think? #CoulthardAndCo

#CoulthardAndCo

never miss a post

join us and receive your password for protected content.